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A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see the light was on
from the bedroom window. As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as
soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello" he said, "I just called you a
minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on
collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives
in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree
with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his
car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to
drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back
to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it
back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
TEN WAYS You Know You Married a COP!
10. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up
9. Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"
8. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie
7. Calls farting his "silent alarm"
6. The obvious nightstick reference.
5. You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"
4. Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzer!"
3. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going.
2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.
1. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!!!!
Subject: Tech support revenge
Bill Gate's Police Call
"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"No."
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates."
"Country?"
"The USA."
"Native language?"
"English."
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes."
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No."
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes."
"Any pies then?"
"No."
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not."
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note
the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After
looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't
help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning
service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
Top 15 things to say if caught sleeping at your desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last
mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. ""Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
1. And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: "Amen".
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION:
1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
4) He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU:
1) He refers to you as "our mascot".
2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
3) Your locker is also the broom closet.
4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.
6) He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There
they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep
them when you took their pictures?"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI
violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat
fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine
and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the
breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready
to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed
his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag
, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the
lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you high rollin' lawyers are," he said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say
such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "OH
MY GOD," screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!!!!"
One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed
gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters
worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept
up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She
drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke
to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to
tell you that your horn is stuck."
One night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of
Dublin. They pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have," says Pat. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads went by the pub where I
had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those." Pat
continued, "Then I had to drive me friend's home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness, couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get
another bottle for later." Pat fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of
whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll
need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, Pat said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
A car driven by a woman breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over
onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they
stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of
this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the woman yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" "My car
broke down," says the woman, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the side of the road?" asks the cop. And she said..."Those are my emergency flashers!"
Attorney: Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?
Officer: Approximately one-half mile.
Attorney: Can you see clearly for one-half mile?
Officer: Yes.
Attorney: Well Officer, I'm in doubt that can you see clearly an incident that is occurring
one-half mile away. So suppose you tell us all again just how far you can see!
Officer: Well sir, on a clear night, I can all the way to the moon.
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