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A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of
change.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A
$40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo....of handcuffs.
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.The following exchange takes place....
Man "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife
another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties
?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
TOP 12 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been
eating doughnuts?"
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for
change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter with his fingerprints. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming
his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ _-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.
The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw
a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back
and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and
ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and
drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Judy was pulled over for speeding by a Pennsylvania State Trooper on the Pa Turnpike.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied, "No, State Troopers don't
have balls." There followed a long moment of silence while she smiled and it dawned on him just what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She
was laughing so hard she couldn't even start her car for several minutes!
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just rant that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the donut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had enough.
"Sir, I can do better than that."
He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now, sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to complete stop?"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to
lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circleflies there, are ya?" The
trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police
officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says,
Hard to fool them flies though."
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the
trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what
happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any
details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer
and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown
into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was
in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been
killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you
could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head
up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They
were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers
together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait,
you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force. The question asked:
"If you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and were being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles an
hour, what would you do?" The young man answered without a second's thought: "Seventy!"
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